Milkshake of My Mind

Too many things happened in the previous months i was MIA.. The sadness i was in during the days of CD exam.. How a person motivated me for awhile but last straw happened.. Happy for that person to find a person because I cannot be that person.. Cemented my 2 FPD cases which what really motivated me until the end of semester.. Pain in the ass patients.. Super scared with the professor who had bad blood with me.. Thankful for understanding and helpful family and friends.. Learning to be on track again when there's just too many road bumps along the way.. Music! Super thankful for the existence of music.. Seeing another person accidentally for the second time.. Did not bother and moved on with my life..  A much needed Holy Week break.. A birthday gift phone from my dad.. Going to school before 8 for the first time in years.. Snapchat.. Giving up then rising again.. Thesis.. late night thesis.. Toys.. Sickness.. My super cute cousin Baste bringing joy to everyone.. Hope.. Wishful thinking.. Faith.. Another sem to go.. Friends who commit.. Overthinking skill.. Priorities.. 

I'm now 24 and nothing that I've planned since I was a child has happened academically-wise. It seems like no matter how much effort I put in, it won't be worth it because in the end, I always get what I don't deserve and always end up expecting for nothing. It has always been that way. 

Although I am not a coward type of person, I am however, a pessimist. I always been have low self-esteem and self-confidence. I don't trust myself and I don't trust that circumstances would go my way. I always needed a support because I don't trust myself that I can do it. I easily get frustrated and lose my patience and end up wanting to quit.

Well, I actually feel coward now that I feel that nothing is going right. I am now hating myself for not being good enough. 

So right now, I am currently too sad and crying out of frustration and pressure from my CD exam. I've been doing the exam for already 11 days which is too long already! I am too scared to fail because a lot of time and effort have been put on it. 

I just want to graduate already and feel that finally after all these hardworks academically-wise in my life all will be worth it and pay off. This feeling of being stuck is just so sad knowing that you can be good if you had the chance to be put into other life situations. I wonder how many more tears would it take for me until I graduate.

I am posting this not because I am sad with my life but because i know someday things will be the opposite of my condition now. And when that happens, every struggle will just be a memory I can look back on and know that without these struggles I wouldn't be that person. 

I am trying my best not to make a big deal of my birthday this year. I am the type of person who overthinks and plans ahead to make my birthday special. But not this year. Why make a fuzz of making it special when in fact it is already a special day. I had no time to have my eyebrows threaded in time for my birthday which is the only thing i wanted. But okay, whatever, it will do. I refused also to buy a customized cake because i don't know. One thing's for sure, my heart's only desire for my birthday is to already graduate. That's all i wanted right now. 

I already celebrated my birthday with my relatives today (Feb 13) at Hagonoy whom I love the most. There are no pictures and whatsoever to post it online. I am just happy that I celebrated it with them. I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow. My plan of celebrating it with my college classmates/friends is still a drawing. 

This year, my first greeter is Mae! My college friend and one of the best buds. I don't know why but 1st greeters do matter to me hehe. I am actually scared because aside from it being your birthday, people tend to embarass you by their posts and messages on facebook. Apparently, my brother already posted a sleeping picture of me for the world to see omaygadd!! There's definitely more to come, knowing my friends crazy behaviors. LOL. 

I am now 24 and getting there (to where it might be). Thank You, Lord, for all those happy, wonderful and crazy years. I hope I get to live until old age while being happy all the time even though there are road bumps along the way because that's what matters. 

..Fast forward to the last quarter of 2014 when i experienced these all. Well not sure about that last line though. 

Thanks to Tinder I get to check this want-list from 2011. HAHA. I used to be shy admitting that I once used that online dating app. But whatever I guess people will be open with it or has already been open using and talking about it. What's wrong with meeting people online? I mean it's up to you at least if you're meeting that person in real life. Thanks to tinder I've experienced a lot of new things! Something that won't happen to me I guess with my boring environment lol. OMG it feels like I am promoting tinder but really not hahaha!

There was this one stranger that I met that added craziness to my already crazy life. Apparently, after all those late night talks, playlists making and coffee "dates" we had, we ended up back to being strangers again. He made me extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time. I've moved on and I am just laughing about it. After all those bittersweet memories, I am still glad it happened. Everything happened really fast but I know it was real (or not?). Maybe it wasn't meant to be but of course I can't deny the feeling of hoping that it would last. 

There was this another stranger/friend that i do not want to really mention because I am really not completely over him. LOL. I feel stupid! I mean how can you be attached to someone you haven't met? Right?! I must be really crazy. I guess a year is already an enough time to tell you that someone isn't into you.. /wrist

It's already February aka Love Month. Thank God there's no pressure on my part every Valentine's Day because what the hell, for me it's my birthday not Valentine's LOL. I am happy to celebrate my birthday with anyone on that day. It's actually ironic that I am born on that day but I never had a boyfriend since birth LOL. Whatever. I know it's gonna happen someday. At the right time. Because timing is everything. 

I think that faith is your personal relationship with God/Jesus/Allah/Yahweh/etc. Nevertheless, it is something that should not be taught nor something to brag about. I mean, just like any other relationship, you build it, you cherish it, and you keep it. 

So I really hate it whenever people lecture about faith: how faith should be done and how their way of faith is the right faith. People do not have the right to question other people's faith. Just because they are not open about it doesn't mean that they do not have one. Bragging about what you do with your faith does not make you a better person. It doesn't make you a righteous person either. 

Respect. Everyone needs to respect other people's faith. 

In this darkness, there is light. 

I pray not to lose sight of it. 

I sometimes feel like I am good at running away from my problems. I sometimes feel like I just do random things that could make me happy because I am sad inside. I sometimes make myself believe that I'm happy and that everything shall pass. But is this the right thing? Everyone deserves to be happy right?

Fuck dent! I am so going out of this hell this year! And someday all of these will just be a nightmare that has finally ended. 

I was a boring person before lol. My dream hairstyles were only short bob or short pixie cut. I do not know what happened but in the past 6 years in college, the world must have turned upside down. I would go for different hairstyles to extreme hairstyles actually!

I also envy my blue hair even if it's mine. LOL. I somehow achieve the granny hair 'coz when this blue hair fades it turns to gray! yay :D

I am currently satisfied with my blue hair. yaaaay! My future plans for my hair is to not bleach it again, just dye it with whatever i want until my hair is long enough to cut the bleached part. Sadly, I wouldn't be able to have it straightened until all the bleach portion is removed. So there, I guess i'll never have regrets when i get old concerning my hair because i did a lot of experimenting with it. :>